Reminders for Us All this Holiday Season
From Jenny Perez, LCSW, at Empathy Works Therapy
Here are a few reminders for us all this holiday season. I kept everything in list format for easy reference. Sometimes us humans can over-complicate things. This list is designed to keep things simple.
1) Front load self-care. This can be time alone, time with a specific other, a work-out, a moment of calm or meditation, a read, a walk, any mindfulness practice (google these), a bath or hot shower, 30 minutes in nature, journaling, eating food that nourishes you, time with your pet, music, movement. What is yours? Make it happen.
2) Practice acceptance (different from gratefulness).
So many of us are programmed to focus on the glass half empty; Practicing acceptance means focusing intentionally on the part of the glass that is full. If the glass is not full, go back to #1 above and fill your glass.
3) If you have strong emotions take ownership for them by.......
* Naming them
* Noticing what you think they are attached to,
* Observing the thought (the one that connects the emotion to the trigger),
* Articulating how you would like it to go moving forward
(The above can be done alone or with someone you trust to support and really listen to you.)
4) Distinguish between alone and lonely.
If you notice loneliness, be with it. Give it a place to exist honestly. Write to it, acknowledge it, embrace it by holding it with compassion. Think of your loneliness as you would a good friend and give it reverence. Remember that loneliness is a normal human emotion, a part of the whole experience. Ask yourself, what will I do moving forward to contribute to creating more connection in my life? And then remember that if you can connect with yourself, connecting with others will flow more easily. Building a strong relationship with yourself is the basis for all other connections.
5) Adopt an attitude of curiosity.
Stay curious when thinking about one’s self or others. When we wonder about things, instead of quickly assigning intention, meaning or judgement, we give ourselves the ability to understand first. This in turn can lead to a place of empathy for self and others.
6) Consider saying nothing
Not every situation or communication deserves a response. Sometimes not sharing is more powerful than what you would say if you felt “triggered” or highly emotional. If you decide to say nothing, make sure to take space when you need it. Then refer back to #1.
7) Respond instead of react
Reacting is what happens when the doctor taps your knee and your leg kicks out. This reaction means your reflexes are healthy. In dangerous situations it can be truly life-saving to react in this automatic way, but in non life-threatening situations it is often more useful to respond. To move into response (and away from reaction) try this:
Pause
Overriding your reactivity by hitting an internal “pause” button.
Breath
Focus on your breath and in particular your exhale. This will help regulate your emotional thermostat which can become dysregulated; Taking this breath can give you the time you need to move into responsiveness and away from reactivity.
Assess
Distinguish between listening to the words and hearing the meaning and/or intent behind the words. Wonder. Does this situation require a response right now? Is the situation in need of a response from YOU? Is this the right time/location for this communication? If you decide to respond can you use an “I feel” statement to give your feedback? Can you “agree to disagree”?
Respond
A solid response reflects one’s ability to attune to the other. If you do decide to respond, refer to #3 and #5 above. And then, don’t forget to ask for the same in return.
Finally, we humans are complicated; We only know a fairly small amount about how our brains work. With all of this "not knowing," I invite you to stop judging yourself today. I invite you to stay curious and stay with self-compassion. When we engage in true self acceptance, we don’t have to defend, protect, blame or self-flagellate. When we accept ourselves we don’t have to proselytize, promote or over-explain our stance. Accepting ourselves as we are right now is quite a radical act. Consider being radical.
With deep acceptance for us all,
Jenny Perez