The Value of Conflict in Relationships
The word conflict has a bad rap. But conflict is inevitable in all relationships and the ability to engage in disagreements well is actually an incredible strength.
What we often don’t hear is that conflict is healthy. And it is necessary for our relationships to thrive.
I sometimes hear clients say “We never fight!”.
I get worried when I hear this.
Being able to identify, express and explore differences is key a component to any healthy and thriving relationship.
Conflict reminds us that we are different. We have different thoughts, feelings and desires.
And it is in the intersection of our differences where we come alive. It is where we discover who our partner on a deeper level. Where we push our own boundaries and expand our perspectives
Many of us grow up having never seen effective conflict resolution. We believe disagreement is bad. We fear the energy, often uncomfortable, of staying in the tension of the unresolved.
It doesn’t feel good to be in a different place than our loved ones.
We want our relationships to a happy place. A place of refuge where we feel accepted and cared for, full of all the good stuff.
And so, it may be tempting to avoid the discomfort, the hard work of going inside, defining our own thoughts and feelings, clarifying our wants and desires and then advocating for ourselves.
It may be just as hard to get curious about what matters to our partner, and why. To discover we really don’t know ourselves or our loved ones as well as we think we do.
Or we fear that our disagreements will escalate to a place of further disconnection. That we may not be able to move through our differences and come together again.
This is a very real fear. Understanding our negative cycles- how we trigger each other -and shifting these patterns allows us the opportunity to find an even deeper connection.
There is an aliveness that comes as we discover and explore ourselves and our differences. Vitality, when we navigate the terrane of difference, of the unknown, of mystery.
And it is in the terrane that excitement and energy grow. It is in this place that the possibility of the magic begins.