How Healthy is Your Relationship?
So often in my practice I hear clients report “I just want a healthy relationship.” Human beings are hardwired for connection. Science tells us that those in healthy relationships do better in all areas of life including better health, longevity and greater overall life satisfaction. But what does it really mean to be in a “healthy relationship” and how can we go about creating one? Let’s take a few minutes to take a look at the components of a healthy relationship and what it takes to sustain one. First of all, it starts with self, knowing our own thoughts, feelings and desires while appreciating that our thoughts and feelings may not be shared by our partner. And that’s okay. Who am I and what matters to me in my own life? The ability to define our own internal world, express ourselves and then bring ourselves forward in a self-defined, non-blaming, non-critical manner allows for the foundation of a healthy relationship to grow. It’s also about making space for our partner to be different from who we are while remaining curious and open to them. What matters to our loved ones and why are these things true for them? These are not static questions. They are lifelong processes.
And there are behaviors and habits that we can practice to nurture and grow healthy relationships. Boundaries. Seems simple, huh? But setting our own and respecting others boundaries can be really hard for many of us. As noted researcher and author Brene Brown says, boundaries are, “simply the difference between what’s okay and what’s not okay”. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5U3VcgUzqiI. When clear boundaries are in place and honored it becomes safe for our hearts to open. Healthy boundaries foster an atmosphere where kindness and compassion can grow. The ability and willingness to engage in hard conversations effectively. I often hear clients say, “we never fight.” Now there are certainly ways to “fight” and ways to not “fight”. But couples must learn the skill of tackling hard topics. And this is a skill that can be learned. Managing conflict. What this really means is the ability to navigate differences in a way where each partner feels seen and understood and the ability to negotiate a solution that both partners feel good about. Not an easy task, but again one that can be learned. And one that is essential for a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship supports each individual’s expression of self- personal growth and development- while the partners in the relationships commit to nurturing the relationship itself. Prioritizing and nurturing our relationships. A healthy relationship just doesn’t happen. It is created and nurtured. Imagine those early days of falling in love. Time spent together in shared activities, curiosity about what mattered to our loved one. Going the extra mile for the other.
These are practices that people in healthy relationships continue. We must form and cultivate the art and habit of giving, loving, praising. We must feed our relationships. Emotional safety. In Emotionally Focused therapy (EFT) https://www.empathyworkstherapy.com/emotionally-focused-therapy. We describe this asA.R.E. Accessible, Responsive, and Emotionally engaged. In times of emotional need are we there for our partners and are they there for us? Do you have my back? Can you count on me? The above practices form the foundation for emotional safety where we can reach for our partner from a place of vulnerability and trust knowing that our deepest longing will be seen and heard. These are not easy tasks. But they are doable and teachable. These are key questions and the foundations for relational health. And their rewards are great.